Hashirama's Fanfic - Attack of the Ninja Robotzoid Cyborgs!
by rhcpftw
Summary: Werewolf Rinnegan Senju-DNA Naruto gets sent back in time by the evil Ninja Robotzoid Cyborgs!
1. Chapter 1

**Hashirama's fanfic - Attack of the Ninja Robotzoid Cyborgs!**

Disclaimer: Naruto is the property of Mashashi Kishimoto and TV Tokyo. This is a fanfic written for entertainment purposes only. Please support the official release.

AN/Warning: This is simply a parody of bad fanfics - it will include lots of sexism, curses, non-existent character progression, simple/way too complicated plots, bad plot twists, way too rapid pacing, maybe some horrible poetry and of course bad grammar and sentence structure. Oh yes, lots and lots of bad grammar - most of it intentional.

This is a sub-story derived from my "The Hokage in the Afterlife" where I make fun of pretty much anything that comes to mind.

I'd like to point out that a lot of fanfics are absolutely amazing, but let's not forget about the bad ones and the way, way too common recurring themes. Also, the views of my characters will not reflect those of my own in real life, of course. I'd love to believe that was obvious, but I know how people can act on the internet.

That said, let's get going:

"UGH" Naruto burst out as his face hit the ground. He scratched his head and looked around. He was close to the Village Hidden in the Leaves. But something wasn't right - he had been fighting the Robotzoids Cyborg Ninjas in the Land of Lightning, why was he here now?

"CLEARLY I HAVE TRAVELED BACK IN TIME!" Naruto brilliantly concluded as looked at his hands, noticing they were a bit smaller than they had recently been.

"LET'S HOPE ANOTHER VITAL PART OF ME HAS NOT SHRUNK AS WELL!" Naruto yelled out to no one in particular and proceeded to

.

.

.

scratch his nose.

"THANK GOD MY NOSE ISN'T SMALLER. I WOULD HAVE LOOKED LIKE A TOTAL FOOL! LUCKILY I STILL HAVE MY SENJU DNA, MY RINNEGAN AND MY AWESOME WEREWOLF CURSE WHICH I AM SUPPOSED TO BE UPSET ABOUT BUT REALLY WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT IT ONLY GIVES ME A BUNCH OF PERKS. WHY IS IT CALLED CURSE ANYWAY?" Naruto said as he hurried to his home. If he was in the past, he'd have to warn everyone about the looming thread - the Ninja Cyborgs!

"I WONDER HOW OLD I AM SUPPOSED TO BE ANYWAY. I WONDER IF HINATA'S BREASTS HAVE SHRUNK TO OH NO THATD BE HORRIBLE WHAT WOULD I DO IF THAT WAS THE CAZE BUT ALTHOUGH SHE HAD BREAST WHEN SHE 13 I GUESS IT'S OKAY"

Guards were coming

"Stop"

"SHINRA FUCKING TENSEI MOTHERFUCKER!"

"why"

"BECAUSE I'M NARUTO UZUMAKI!"

"You go Naruto! My breasts totally believe in you!" Hinta yelled as naruto hurried to the Hokage Tower.

"I KNOW THEY DO AND THEY'LL BELONG TO ME FOREVER! ITS GOOD THING THEY DEFY GRAVITY!"

Naruto ran into the Hokage's office.

"Hey there Naruto. What can me and my breasts do for you today?" Tsunade asked while she ran around in a skanky outfit making sandwiches.

"CYBORG NINJAS ARE COMING!"

"Then we better make you the Hokage!"

"FUCKING YES!"

Hashirama: And ta-da! End of chapter one...what do you think Minato?

Minato: ...Words cannot express how bad this is - it'll fit right in!

Tobirama: Wait...why do the women talk about their breasts all the time?

Hashirama: Duh! We're in Japan!

Tobirama: Oh yeah...

Hashirama: Now I better prepare the next chapter before people start sending me messages about how they want me to write more!

Minato: How...how did Naruto having the Senju DNA or a...Werewolf curse affect the story at all?

Hashirama: It's foreshadowing!

Minato: But...That's not foreshadowing! It's just a horrible attempt at making the protagonist more unique/appealing! KAKKO-SAMA you're smart! I love this story!

AN: Link to 'The Hokage in the Afterlife' - s/8589289/1/The-Hokage-in-the-Afterlife

So...Am I spot on when it comes to fanfics or what?


	2. Safe the werld!

AN/Warning: Again, this is simply a parody of bad fanfics - it will include lots of sexism, curses, non-existent character progression, simple/way too complicated plots, bad plot twists, way too rapid pacing, maybe some horrible poetry and of course bad grammar and sentence structure. Oh yes, lots and lots of bad grammar - most of it intentional. - Certain views held by characters are quite obviously not my own, but written solely for shits and giggles.

It was a new day in the Village Hidden in the Leaves. Naruto had officially been declared the new Hokage at the mere age of 18 - a trivial little detail which made the Village hidden in the Rocks and the Village hidden in the Clouds raving mad. I believe the Raikage's exact words were "Fuck you leafers for fucks sake this is fucking retarded his only 18 years uld fuck!"

In other words, Kage are tripping, you all.

"WHY ARE THEY FIGHTING AGAINST ME WHEN WE SHOULD PREPARE FOR THE NINJA CYBORGS?!" Naruto yelled out to his assistant, which for the sole purposes of fan service has pink hair, giant hooters and is dressed in a maid uniform.

"Well, sir, I don't think you have yet PROVEN that you were...erm...sent back in time...by...Ninja...robots?" The maid fan service assistant said hesitantly.

"IF IT'S A FIGHT THEY WANT THEN A FIGHT THEY SHALL HAVE!" Naruto said as he slammed his fist into the desk in front of him. "I SHALL USE MY WEREWOLF CURSE (WHICH IS NOT REALLY A CURSE I MEAN SERIOUSLY THE PERKS ARE SO FUCKING AWESOME) AND MY SENJU DNA TO FORCE THEM INTO SUBMISSION!"

"Is...is that so wise? I mean for starters if there's a serious threat coming, maybe it's better if we're on good terms with our allies?" his female companion asked, this time with a bit more force in her voice.

"NOPE, IF THERE'S ONE THING I'VE LEARNED LIVING IN A WORLD WHERE CHILD SOLDIERS ARE SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE IT IS THAT VIOLENCE SOLVES EVERYTHING! NOW CALL SASUKE AND SAKURA OVER HER! I NEED A SILENT EMO GUY WHO TREATS PEOPLE LIKE CRAP FOR NO REASON AND IS LOVED BY 13-YEAR-OLDS (WHICH EQUALS ABOUT 75% OF THE SHOW'S AUDIENCE) FOR IT AND A GIRL WHOSE SOLE PURPOSES IS TO GIVE THE MALE CAST SUPPORT AND TO BE RESCUED WHEN SHE IS KIDNAPPED!"Naruto ordered.

"Okay...right away sir" the girl with the pink hair said with a curt nod and procededed to summon Sasuke and Sakura.

"We're here now because it's easier to write dialogue than to describe us actually getting here." Sasuke said as he put an ice cube against his right nipple. Again, fan service is important.

"And my breasts are much bigger in this version for some reason Naruto!" Sakura happily exclaimed.

"FANTASTIC LETS GU AND SAFE THE WERLD!"

AN: I have way too much fun writing this...


	3. Japamica!

And so, our valiant heroes made their way to the Land of Lightning, where the vast majority for some reason have English-sounding names. I mean, if they could be called that. The Japanese aren't known for proper pronounciation. They make great games though. And the food's good.

Anyway, here comes their guide.

"Ah, welcome, Hokage-sama. My name is Michael Hawk. I'm incredibly good-looking, my dark skin makes me look exotic and inspires a lot of horrible pairings and if I had been given more time in this story, I would have obviously deceived you at some point." Michael said in a corteous tone.

"THAT'S SOME INTRODUCTUTIN, I THINK ILL STEEL IT FOR WHEN I CRUSH YOUR RAIKAGE TO THE GROUND!" Naruto replied cheerfully.

"Erm, yes, alright...if you'd follow me please" Michael said, his orange orbs filled with amusement at the Hokage's antics. Sakura felt herself blush when she stared into said man's orbs, who in turn blushed when he stared into Sakura's orbs.

"Sakura, stop blushing, I'm afraid you'll..." Sasuke began.

*Crash*

"Urgh" Sakura groaned. Luckily her breasts cushioned the fall.

"Here, let me help you up. You shouldn't blush that much, I mean it can't be good for your blood circulation" Michael said as he offered his arm. Sakura took it, once again blushing when she stared into his orbs. Sasuke stood on the side-lines being jealous, since shipping is that much better when there's competition and drama.

"Here we are, lady and gentlemen." Michael suddenly said as he knocked on a giant door.

"AH, THE SO CALLED HOKAGE. YOU'RE YOUNG SO I DON'T RESPECT YOU" A screamed.

"WELL TASTE MY TREES NO JUTSU YOU SON OF A BITCH!" Naruto replied.

"THEY'RE NO MATCH FOR MY AWESOME MUSCLES!" A declared as he chopped of the trees.

"HE BLOCKED MY TREES?! IMPOSSIBLE! THEY'RE THE STRONGEST FORCE IN THE NARUTOVESE!" Naruto said, shock evident in his voice. "I GUESS I'LL HAVE TO BECOME A WEREWOLF!"

Naruto became a werewolf and knocked A to the floor.

"URGH, OKAY WE WILL HELP YOU AGAINST THE NINJA ROBOTS FROM THE FUTURE"

"AW YISS!" Naruto said as he proceeded to make fun of A's name.

Tsunade: Well that was fast.

Hashirama: Yeah well, fights are usually awfully depicted, so I thought I'd return the favor.

Minato: Well my son is kicking ass, but why is he a werewolf? I didn't know there were any in our world.

Hashirama: Oh I added it for drama.

Minato: But...it doesn't seem to be that big of a deal.

Hashirama: And that's the drama.

Tobirama: What?!

Hashirama: I wouldn't expect you to understand my genius.

-  
AN: as I said last chapter...I have way too fun writing this. I can't imagine what some people think of this.


	4. Character development? Never!

Warning: due to the content and awful quality of this story, it should not be really be read by anyone. This is a parody of bad fanfics and it should not be taken seriously.

**...**

And so our heroes made their way to the Tsuchikage...

*INTERRUPTION!*

Tsunade: Hang on hang on hang...this is boring grandpa, why don't you speed it up?

Hashirama: But our readers must read dozens of paragraphs of senseless banter and corny dialogue to relate to my characters!

Tsunade: No good, just take us to the fighting already! If fanfics have proven anything it is that all character development can be handled in just a few cliché lines! Have Naruto save Sasuke's life or whatever and BAM, Sasuke will be a Goody Two-Shoes!

Hashirama: But...what about romantic feelings?

Tobirama: We all know a girl can just admit her long-hidden feelings and then the boy will either fall magically in love with her or with sadness in his heart explain why they can never be together - only for them to get busy later on in the story.

Hashirama:...Can't a boy be the one to admit his feelings?

*Silence*

Hiruzen: You're talking crazy-talk right now. Now hurry up, I want to see Naruto kick that old bat's ass.

Hashirama: FINE!

*Time skip no jutsu*

"Holy shit that was fast!" Onoki the old geezer said. - "Hey what the hell I'm not that old" - said the ancient ninja. - "Fuck off Hashirama!"

"OLD MAN WE HAVE COME TO KUNG-FU FIGHT!" Naruto said as he positioned himself in a ludicrous position.

"Wait are we even using martial arts? And since when is Taijutsu relevant? You know I can basically turn you into dust with my jutsu?" Onoki said with a sweat-drop. I have to write sweat drop since every anime fan knows what I'm talking about even though the expression is horrible and has no place in writing.

"Hey Naruto, let me fight this guy" Sasuke said in his monotone voice that some people find irresistable.

"Sasuke is gonna fight? This is the perfect opportunity to show him that I believe in him!" Sakura said as she bounced in place to please the fans.

Sasuke was promptly bitch-slapped across the room by Onoki's *Old man backhand no jutsu*. This one encounter tells my entire audience what I think of a ficitional character.

"Get up Sasuke!" Sakura squeled as the camera makes sure to focus on her butt as she runs towards Sasuke.

"Generic insult that will cause romantic drama among shippers!" Sasuke said.

"Crying because Japanese people know that all women are fragile!" Sakura said.

"SHINRA FUCKING TENSEI MOTHERFUCKER!" Naruto screamed.

"Urgh - and now I am dead" Onoki said.

"AND NOW I AM THE HOTSUKAGE! TIME TO FEIGHT TEH ROBOTS!" Naruto exclaimed in happiness as Sakura were using her giant breasts to dry her tears.


End file.
